G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra

Truly the meek shall inherit the earth... or at least everybody who was a kid in the 1980s. With Transformers and G.I. JOE hitting the big screen, it's a wave of nostalgia that washes over us now. And I like it.

Case in point: Rise of Cobra. Definitely a loud, brash, action movie that will never win a lot of Oscars or awards of any serious kind. However there's some good fun to be had. Still I've had some thoughts during and after the movie:

• G.I. JOE adheres to the cardinal rule in Hollywood movie making: "when thou cast a black actor, he shall be either a big, bald tough guy, a suave muthafuckin' playa', or a comedy sidekick." In this case G.I. JOE had all three. God forbid an American movie has an actual black character with two dimensions.
• Forget about all the hi-tech weaponry (accelerator suits? WTF?). Just put hot women in skin tight leather outfits, or leave ample room for cleavage, and you'll win 9 out of 10 wars. And in the one case it's going to be girl-on-girl anyway, so everybody wins.
• Rachel can leave this hair color on for a while.
• In fact did they really have to make the sole female heroic character athletic, nerdy, independent, strong AND smart? That stuff is obviously written in fantasy, dude.
• Also because of the recession Peugeot, Citroen, Renault had a lot of cars still left in stock. And in order to bring the inventory levels back under control, the powers that be sold a shipload of them to G.I. JOE... to get destroyed.
• [SPOILER] Ehm... did the script writers lose track of time, and submit the screenplay to X-Men 1 instead? They should have let the bad guys escape, and unless they come up with an ingenious way for the Baroness to come back under Cobra control, and break out Destro and Cobra Commander, the dear writers put themselves in a bind I fear. It also means we're going to have a battle near Hoover Dam in the sequel, see Scarlet or Ana get swallowed by water. And we'll have the Last Stand in part three, after which we'll get treated to the obvious Snake Eyes spin-off (which would be freakin' awesome, apart from the fact that you can't really make a movie nowadays where the main character is a mute).
• Why doesn't Rex just use the nanomites on himself? He must be the biggest self-righteous prick that he only experiments on others. [END SPOILER]

Like Transformers 2, G.I. JOE is good enough for the Blu-ray treatment. But definitely not the special edition... unless the special edition contains Rachel Nichols in lingerie, and a hotel room reservation that is.